better - not.

usually, everytime a guy says 'you deserve better' i think it's bullsh*t. i've always thought it as them being cowardly and afraid to embrace the love that's been given to them.
a long time ago, someone once said that to me 'you deserve better, you're too good for me. i don't deserve you.' at that time, i was so mad at him for being a coward and i hated how he could just throw our love away like that.
but now,
i think i'm starting to understand.
today, as i was watching him. i suddenly felt this strong wave of emotion come across me. i felt happy i was with him but all of a sudden i just had tears streaming down my face because i realized that he was too good for me and that i haven't been a good girlfriend. i really felt bad and wondered if he would be better off with someone of his own standards?
but then i remember how it felt like to have my love being thrown away just like that and it would kill me to see him go through what i went through.
to be honest, i feel lost and confused. i don't know what i want. but one thing i do know is that i've been demanding and i've been wrong. and i feel guilty to the bone because i wasn't even scolded or was i hated.
another thing is the issue of my stupidity. i won't say i'm stupid but i know i'm not smart.
i guess someone truthfully pointed it out to me and i got really offended by it.
but deep down inside i know that it's the truth. but lately it keeps haunting me and it's making me doubt myself, a lot. well, i guess you could say that these doubts are affecting my thoughts towards my relationship.
i don't know if it's a good thing or not, but perhaps i should take it as a wake-up call?
there's been so much going through my head lately. i'm starting to get scared and insecure. but i shall not hope for words of reassurance. for i know unlike other guys who want to protect their 'weak' girlfriends, he is the sort of person, who will throw me in the deep end and allow me to learn to swim by myself even though i'm struggling for my life.
instead of lending a shoulder for me to cry on, he will tell me to toughen up.
yes, that much i've learnt.
therefore, i shall no longer rely on him to dry my tears, but instead i shall dry them on my own.
perhaps this will be of more benefit to me on the future, if we really do not make it.
maybe then i would still be able to walk on my own two feet and carry on?
my thought's a mess, and so am i.