grown ups, they always act so strange

For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, for which some had strayed from the faith of their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.  

1 Timothy  6:10

lately, i've been wanting lots of stuff. i want to have what others have.

i think im starting to grow up.

im starting to become greedy.

i never really use to be this way.

it didn't really matter that people had things i didn't have.

of cause it will be nice to have one, but i didn't really bother me that much that i didn't own one.

but now, i want what others have.

which is kind of scary in a way because i'm starting to act like grown ups do.

and that scares me, a lot.

the thing about grown ups is that they contradict themselves and their beliefs when they were a child.

they complicate things.

they think they are important.

they think that they are smart.

they demand things.

and sometimes what seems right becomes wrong and vice versa

all because grown ups have ways of hypnotizing you to believe that what they say is right.

i don't want to be a grown up 

it scares me.

i'm not saying i will be a child my whole life.

eventually, i will be a grown up despite me not wanting too.

life's cruel you know.

but even then, i will not lose the child in me.

i will not be a grown up like every other grown up.

i will be a grown up who can differentiate a drawing of a hat from that of a boa constrictor who swallowed an elephant (you would only understand this if you read 'the little prince')

no one really understood how i could read that book 5 times.

but, i have my reasons.

anyway, i need to control my urge to keep wanting things.

it must stop.

***

dear God,

please show me a sign.

i'm lost and afraid.

i need your guidance. 

if it's time to let go,

please give me the strength to do so.

if it's not,

please give me the courage to continue walking.

amen.

***

you said that you would prove to me your words were true

that they weren't just empty lies.

but why is it that my heart keeps aching?

why is it that loving you hurts so much?

when will i be truly happy?